i have not posted in FOREVER!!! well i am bored and it is summer and oh yeah im sick. adno virus and pinkeye and im also housesitting for 2 different people!!! and the cat escaped and i had to chase her down the street. it was bad. oh whoops i gotta go to the other peoples house to let out their dogs. ill be back bitches! :P
lol im back but this is more boring than i thought :) byeeee!
The longer tonight goes on, the more I miss him. And that horrible pit in my stomach? I can feel it more and more with every passing moment. I feel practically nauseous, and I just curled up in a corner with a blanket and cried. He gave me a movie for Christmas this year. And this certain movie took him hours to find, but he did it anyways. And the kids and I watched it tonight and I couldn't help crying. Everything has been reminding me of him. One of them said very plainly that he was dead, and I started sobbing. Seeing Mr. Money at school today, with his glasses, made my eyes water. And just the kids talking about TV being bad for you got me angry, and yelling at them that there was nothing wrong with watching TV, and they should be ashamed of themselves. They just don't understand it, but I do understand. Not to mention that my parents have been gone all day, and I just need someone's shoulder to cry on, someone who knew him and could tell me stories about those dorky alligator jokes he made all the time that make me cry every time I think about him telling one. I need my fucking mother. But they're making funeral arrangements all day today and all weekend, and the next week IS the funeral, so I have no idea. I feel so totally lost and shit. And nauseous. And tired and cold. I can't even think about going back to school anytime soon. Any reassurance I had about this, ever, has been replaced by this horrible feeling. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I just feel empty. Like he's just gone. I sort of felt, yesterday, that he was with me. But I don't feel like that anymore. And that thought of him cruising around in his convertible doesn't make me smile anymore, it makes me cry.
I keep holding on to anything that reminds me of him. Like those stupid T-shirts he gave me to sleep in, and that movie, and his glasses. ANd cashews. We were at Walgreens, and I saw some cashews, and I started tearing up. He LOVED cashews. I just keep babbling to him about everything, but I'm not sure anymore if he can hear me.
I feel like shit. This is the first day since probably 5th grade when I haven't worn any makeup. Also the first day when I've missed 5 whole days in a row of school because of my feelings. The stupid Juno soundtrack is the only thing that is making me happy. Also all the nice signings in the guestbook on his caringbridge site. Just lifts my spirits. :) But I still feel bad. Maybe I should watch Brokeback Mountain, and their hardships will make mine feel stupid and pointless.
I feel like a crazy person right now. I keep talking to him and blabbering on like a total nut job. It's almost like when my great-grandma died when I was five, and I stayed awake all night crying and talking to her, and the next night, I woke up and she was sitting at the end of my bed. I blinked and she was gone. If only that would happen with him. I need to talk to him or something. You know what I need? Spiritual guidance. I need to talk to someone who's died before. That's what I need. I need to know what happens when you die, and if it hurts, and if heaven is real, and if it is, if it's really that nice, and if God gave him that race car he wanted, and whether or not he's driving around in it right now.
I also need footie pajamas, ice cream, chocolate frosting, and a CD of music that fits my mood right now. But I don't have footie pajamas. So I'm stuck there. But I think I will make that CD. Like, now. Or something. Maybe later. Just listening to the Juno soundtrack is enough for now. I can tell it won't be, though.
I can't even explain how close I was to him. I ♥ him so much. Shit. Here come the tears again. I knew since age 7 that he was going to die someday, but I never thought it would be so soon. All the sudden, he started declining like crazy and before I knew it, he was gone. I never even got to see him. But he specifically demanded that I not come up, because he didn't want me to see him like that. The good thing was that he had control until the very end. That made me feel a lot better. And he died with his two best friends by his side. They called themselves the Three Musketeers. I wonder what will happen to his trains. In his basement, he had a whole room full of trains. All workable, and in sync. There were little people, and they blew steam, and he spent hours on those damn things. I loved watching them chug along the tracks, blowing steam and tooting their horns. He could also make it day or night. It was really cool.
I feel even worse, though, because he said I could have all of his conputer stuff. His brand-new computer, his amazing scanner and printer...and I don't feel right taking it. What I really want are his glasses. They were going to be given to someone who needed them, but I need them more.
There are 339 visits on his caringbridge site, and counting. So many people loved him. I'm really going to miss him. Crap. Here come the tears again.
Anyone can explain to Alel, and Sandie should probably already know.
Only one thing lifted my spirits today: outside Walgreens, there was a heart in the snow. I think it was a miracle.
I started wailing when I heard about when they had to switch out his oxygen mask. It didn't fit very well, and his whole face was black and blue. So before they did it, they warned him that he wouldn't be able to breathe for a moment and that his oxygen levels would drop like crazy, but not to be scared. So they took the mask off, and his oxygen levels started plummeting, and he cried out and grabbed by mom's arm. He was so sure that he would die at that moment, and I just started bawling. But he passed the way he wanted to go, even though it wasn't the way I wanted. Or the time. It was far too soon. He was way too young. Although, I'm glad he passed peacefully, and that my mom didn't have to be there when it happened. She got there ten minutes later. I feel just awful about not visiting. But apparently, he said he didn't want me to see him like this.
I feel even worse because I had just helped him write his obituary a couple weeks ago, and now there's this huge family drama surrounding it. But I know it's exactly what he wanted, and I won't let them change it. Them being the crazy side of his family. Those same idiots tried to deny him flowers. He wanted damn flowers at his funeral, and he will have them, or so help me God....
The last time I talked to him (directly, not counting the notes I sent to the hospital) he had just finished writing his book. And it will be published soon. It was his last great huzzah.
I spent all day up at his house yesterday. The saddest things were that his reading glasses were still sitting around in his usual hangout places, and there was an open container of cashews by his LazyBoy. That was the worst thing, I think, because he loved the damn cashews. He ate them all the time. It was a trademark of sorts.
I think he had pulmonary fibrosis. But he died of heart failure in his sleep. I'm so grief-stricken, I'm not at school, and I won't be coming back until Wednesday. I just need to sort some shit out. My parents aren't going to work until Wednesday either. The funeral is on Tuesday, so I'll be gone the whole day. We were originally going to go to Florida on Friday, but it wouldn't be any fun. We're probably going to go over Spring Break instead now.
You know what's weird? The songs I keep listening to are "All The Young Dudes" and "Sea of Love" from Juno. For some reason they make me feel better. Same with watching "Love Actually". As soon as my parents leave for the funeral home, I'm going to watch it again. It's just so uplifting. If only Juno was on DVD. I know for a fact it would make me feel better instantly. They really should put it on DVD RIGHT AWAY. It will life my spirits.
I thought that after crying for a week straight (I've probably cried more this week than I have in the last two years) I thought my tear ducts would be all worn out. But it turns out that even though I'm dehydrated, my tear ducts are most certaintly not. And "Yoru" (okay, let's lose the BS here) ALISON kept pretending that her nonexistent problems took center stage this morning in homeroom. In case you read this, Alison, FUCKING SCREW YOU. YOU CREATE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.
hey yaaaaaaaaaa just lazy btw nottt drunk dont feel like actually sitting correctly and facing keyboards. Okay, now I do. I broke-ish my foot with stoopidness. First I was running for FOOOOOOOOOD!!! and I jammed my fourth and fifth toes into a chair leg, which actually wedged them apart. Then, while I was screaming in pain and hopping around in circles, I rammed THE SAME TOES into a door frame. Stupid stupid stupid. But now if my parents ever find my blog, they'll know it's me. Shit shit shit. Oh well!!!!! I made some excellent mac n cheese today. I made Barilla noodles, but I don't like Barilla, Barilla tastes like total shit. So yeah. But I dumped a bunch of butter on it and dumped a BUNCH of shredded cheddar cheese on it and declared it ART! :)
chocolate rain remix by john mayer and sherrod small
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ARGH! My dad is soooooo stooooooooooooooooopiddddddddddddddd! I hate him! Ugh! Grrrrr!!!!!!!! So OK. I found out last night that my parents signed me up for that weird thing (ask Sandie/Sadie about it) and they said I told them I wanted to do it and I SO DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!! THEY LIE!!!!!!!!!!!! And then I find out that there's a meeting for it today after school. So I'm like, ugh, but whatever. Then they tell me it's at four, so I'm like, well, I'll just sit around during Math Team, right? But NOOOO!!!!! It turns out it's a Wednesday, and I thought it was Monday! Then Teddy offers me an invitation to her house, which is right by the school. I call my dad and ask him if I can. He says that he'll call my mom. He calls me back AFTER the bus has left and AFTER the school is FAR BEHIND. Then he says I LIED TO HIM when I CLEARLY TOLD HIM THAT THE BUS HAD LEFT, AND IT WAS OBVIOUS BY THE BACKGROUND NOISE THAT I WAS ON THE BUS BUT HE THOUGHT THAT I WAS AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now, apparently, there will be "consequences".
Retard!
Anywayyyyyyys, I'm not on drugs. People seem to think that. I'm not on drugs. I am, however, going to get myself a drinking problem. Joel will help me solve my drinking problems anyways. We'll both be addicts. Besides, I'm desperate to get drunk. It's a life experience! And it's better for it to happen when I'm young and don't have a job to lose, right? Yes, that's what I think too! But there's no reason to worry, I'd probably just get drunk at a sleepover and be hungover the next morning, which my parents would mistake for sleepiness. Then I'll never get drunk again. But there's no reason to worry though, because my drunkenness is a long ways away. I haven't even had a sip of alcohol yet! And I might not even like it. So there's no reason to freak out at all.
One thing I have considered, though, is selling my Adderall. You know, in college if I need some money. I researched it, and some places, you can sell it for fifty bucks a pill. Sweet stuff, huh? I could just not take it on days I don't need it! And I never use those booster pills, even though my parents want me to. They're totally pointless. And I'm not the only one considering doing this! Teddy agreed with me that it's absolute genius.
I have a question: why is Puppy always late to choir? I bet she's screwing that one kid. Or doing drugs. Take your pick.
BLAH have not posted in fucking FOREVer= blahblahblah hello very sorry btw iif anyone was actually reading this damn thing! woooohg!!!!!!!!! :) Smily smily smily
Joel has announced that she will help me get my first taste of alcohol next time I go to her house. So excitinh! btw bit high right now wooooh!!!!!!! but do not worry teddy will tka e care of me teeheehee wooooh fatty no longer has mind control~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ oi am freeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mmmm oreos
i saw 3 movie s and i loved them wooooiieeeee
steel magnilias was good when a stranger calls was good too casino royale was the best sooo sexyy
so much powder on my faced!!!!!!!!!! wooooiiieeeeee!!!!!!!!!!
What I would like to know is why you hate Americans so much. We're just like you, really. Some of us are rich, but most of us aren't. Our youth help with household chores and barter to raise their allowance, which usually doesn't happen because the parents can't afford it, or don't think they need it. Our mothers and fathers pack our backpacks on our first day of kindergarten and pray that we come home safe every day off the bus from school. Our brothers and sisters pick on us and annoy us and hate us and love us. Our babies are swooned over and cuddled. Our working adults sometimes are annoyed by their bosses and think that they need a raise. Our pets are spoiled. Our young adults are visionaries with big dreams. Our innocent citizens have died bloody and gruesome deaths...
...by your hand.
Why can't we call a truce? Why must we fight? I'm not saying that the United States are completely flawless. We aren't. But why do we attack innocent bystanders in our quest for justice? Surely there must be a better way. So I issue a plea on behalf of all the people whose loved ones have died in this pointless war, as true heroes. Please leave us alone. Please don't terrorize us any further. Please don't make civilians lose their lives as part of your game. Please promise never to pay a visit to the United States, or anyone else, again.
Woman: You aren't the person you were before you had rheumatoid arthritis.
Man: So who will you be?
Talentless Singer: I will be here! I will be strong! (or something along those lines)
Stupid old lady on bus knitting: Will you sit there and stand the pain while your joints could be deteriorating? Or will you stand up and DO something?
Talentless Singer: I will be strongggggggggg! When the night is long!
*People start listing off the risks, which include fatal infections, tuberculosis, and lymphoma.*
BLAH BLAH BLAH I HATE THAT FUCKING AD!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!
Thank you, ye faithful blog readers, for bearing with me as I rant. But really, that ad pisses me off SO FUCKING BAD....
One I can't find is that new one with the song in the background sung by Judy Garland called "What'll I Do", where the people all run out of Coke. I love it!
maxine nightengale --- and the ticking timer!!!!!!!! oh noooo!!!!!!!!!!!
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Today is Tuesday. Tuesday is my favorite day of the week. Do you know why? Because Tuesday is very special. So special, in fact, I made up a Tuesday dance. I skip around in a little circle saying "Tuesday!" over and over again. I did the Tuesday dance this morning, in fact. Right after eating my Trix and turning on the computer. Because I had remembered, "Lo! and behold! Tis Tuesday! I must do the Tuesday dance!" And so I did. My favorite actresses are Zooey Deschanel and Julie Walters. Perhaps you don't know who Julie Walters is. Well, she's Mrs. Weasley. And she's Evie in Driving Lessons. And she's the widow chick in Calendar Girls. Lots of good stuff. Very good stuff. And Zooey Deschanel is just plain awesome. My favorite roles of hers were from Elf, Failure to Launch, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and Raving. Excellent actress. Tuesday the 21st of August. There's this game on iPaqs. It's called Bubble Breaker. And I am now addicted to it. I love that game. I really do. And just to clear up any questions...yes. I do want to marry it. So there. :) I found this game online that's CALLED Bubble Breaker, but it isn't the same as the iPaq. Oh well. Here's the link: http://www.champsgames.com/game/8664/Bubble-Fun.html It's pretty fun, I guess. Not as fun as the real thing, though. A note to Alelg: Never, EVER call me by my first name on LJ. My name is Cadillac, remember? And second, I wish I could read it, but my time on the comp is very limited. >_< So that severely pisses me off and I wish I could. Maybe print it off and give it to Sandie and I could read it at school?
Blhhhhh. Sitting here watching Style channel and humming and shit. Downloading aim. The works. Cause I'm a vegetable. Youuuuu heard me. I am a veggie. Yes yes yes. Blhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Summer has killed me and now my brains r frieddddddddddd. Can wait for school to start most definitely yessssssssir. harhar am retarded now. blhhhhhhhhhhhhh. getting stupider by the second. have not read book since july. hahahahaha. happiness in brain until spt somethng. hahahaha.
fall out boy, linkin park, the beatles, fergie, gwen stefani
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Fuck, I'm paranoid. I keep having these dreams that the world ends and everyone dies except for me because I don't believe in God. Laugh if you want, but it's terrifying. I'm in this hole and there are dead people on me. Everything's on fire, and I can't breathe. I'm covered in blood. I'm in sooo much pain, and I can hardly move. Yet somehow, I'm not dying. Even as everyone around me lies lifeless, I live on. And no matter what I do, I can't die. It's horrible. I'm all alone, and it never ends. Finally, I'm old, and I die. I'm hungry, sick, and I feel horrible. But dying ends up being the best thing that could ever happen. Finally, my suffering ends. What if the Bible is right? What if it's all real? Then what? I'm so paranoid that maybe I've been wrong all along and that God is real and I'll go burn in hell. And lately, I'm so scared that the world will end any minute. First, the bridge. Second, the fact that terrorists have infiltrated every government system in America (or so they say - but what if they really have? and a terrorist becomes president? oh fuck. maybe the media was right about obama! fuckfuckfuck). Third, the whole global warming thing. Fourth, that one tsunami that killed everyone in its path. Fifth, the war in Iraq. What if Bush was in office because of divine intervention? If the Bible is true, then nothing happens without God's hand or whatever. Maybe God put him there so the world could end according to plan! Oh fuck. I'm getting paranoid all over again. I feel sick. I'm so scared! I keep slipping back into old bad habits, like twirling my hair and picking at my lips and nails. I know I'm probably hyping it all up, but that doesn't diminish my fears.
Yesterday, August 1st, 2007, Minnesota's I-35 bridge collapsed, leaving at least 7 people dead, dozens injured, and roughly 30 people missing. I would like to express my sincere condolences for the families and friends of those who perished in the tragedy. Also, I'm asking people to pray with me for the people affected by this horrible incident.
Thank you,
Cadillac
PS---Thank you America, for showing Minnesota such overwhelming support in our time of need. I speak on behalf of all Minnesotans when I say a sincere thanks. We greatly appreciate all the help we are getting.
Tis my last day here! So no more Easy Mac!!! :(((((((( Damn, I love that shit. It's so deliciously CHEESY and YUMMY!!!!!!! Ohhhh, I could live off that stuff. All that cheese and noodley goodness in one little bowl. Ughhhhh they're showing Dr. Doolittle now. I friggin HATE that movie! It's so friggin pointless and demented and shit. Now that stupid dog is all like "Uhhhh I'm dying!!!! Uhhhhhh!" Sooooooooo retarded. I ate breakfast this morning. Huuuuuuge mistake. About five minutes later, my stomach DIED. I always get nauseous (I know I spelled that wrong) when I eat in the morning. Parents are back now. I must admit, I had unrealistic expectations for when they got back. But they were way too stressed out, dammit. Whereas my GRANDPARENTS actually know how to fucking RELAX. So we basically watched the CNN YouTube debates (which were basically crap because the candidates barely EVER got to talk). Not fun. I just got the two most recent episodes of the Kathy Griffin show. I swear, she is soooo fabulous. Her publicity schemes? Ingenious! That whole stumbling-out-of-the-limo-as-if-drunk-thing was hilarious. And then she was on whats-his-face's arm as if drunk AGAIN!!!! (As you can probably see, I am NOT British. I had never heard of Footballer's Wives or whatever it's called.) But those bitches on Loose Women were so rude to her! Honestly, they deserve to lose their TV liscense for all that bullshit. Do they even know how to be gracious? Obviously not. They were worse than Conan O'Brien, and that's saying something. By the way, I can so not fucking believe that that asswipe is taking over for Jay Leno. And Drew Carey hosting The Price Is Right? Unbelievable. He is one scary-ass loser, and he does not remind me ONE BIT of Bob Barker. Do I think that cute old ladies will scream when their name is called, come up, and smother that creep with kisses? No. I don't. I think that they will run away, and HE will attempt (unsuccessfully) to kiss THEM. And everyone will watch it only for the purpose of laughing hysterically at that freakish creepo. I, most certaintly, will NOT. I AM HEREBY BOYCOTTING THE PRICE IS RIGHT. --------SPOILER ALERT-------- I just finished the seventh Harry Potter book. Oh my fucking God. How can Fred DIE??????? And what about Tonks? And Lupin? AND COLIN CREEVEY????? Oh, JK Rowling, you are evil. Truly evil. How could you just kill people like that?????? It's MEAN! It's HORRIBLY mean! Oh, and by the way, I was sooooo fucking right! Snape ISN'T evil!!!!!! He was in cahoots with Dumbledore all along!!!!!! I KNEW it!!!!!! He was just a sexy beast, merely victimized by Harry Potter and FriendsTM's overactive imaginations. And him being in lurvvvvvve forever with Lily? ADORABLY SWEET! Besides, I always knew from those Pensieve scenes that Snape was eternally a victim, always the victim, never having anyone love him or be nice to him. Except Ms. Lily. Which is exactly why he lurvvvvved her. But DAMN he's sexy! God, I lurvvvvvve him. Sooooo fucking sexy. Probably his mellfluously sexy voice, eternally sotto voce. *sighs* I get rather nerdy whenever I talk about him. Sexy beast that he is. Wait....was he IN that movie?....No. What a shame. How much sexier can you get? He WAS in Dogma, though. Close enough. Well, you could be Johnny Depp. Or Prince Harry. Or George Clooney. Or *Gerard*. But back to the subject. Or not. Actually, I think I might be content to discuss hot sexy men all day long. Here's my hot list: 1. Johnny Depp *screams "i fucking love you johnny!!!!!!"* 2. George Clooney *drools* 3. ViGGO (i think it's his name...) 4. Prince Harry (that red hair...) 5. ALAN RICKMAN----SEXY SNAPE! 6. *Gerard* *hot scot* 7. Blake Lewis----*love* his beatboxing! so sexy! 8. Ben Affleck ----- one sexy daddy! 9. Hugh Grant *sighhhhhhh* 10. Ryan Reynolds (especially in Van Wilder) So there you have it! A fabulous list of all the extremely sexy men that are most definitely causing global warming. Well....ten of them. But they ARE the most important ones in my book. Can't seem to get enough of those hunks. *drools* You know that RealAge test? Well, I took it, and apparently my RealAge is 23.6! Who knew? I'm nowhere NEAR that old! I mean, FUCK!
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wildgnome's journal
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